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  西莱斯特·海德莉(Celeste Headlee)在她的演讲中分享了营造良好交谈的10个规则。如果你能利用好其中一条,并且真正地倾听别人,那么就足以享受更愉快的交谈了。

  10 Ways To Have A Better Conversation


  All right, I want to see a show of hands how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food? And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don’t want to talk to them?

  首先,我想让大家举手示意一下,有多少人曾经在 Facebook 上拉黑过好友,因为他们发表过关于政治,宗教,儿童权益,或者食物等不恰当的言论,有多少人至少有一个不想见的人,因为你就是不想和对方说话?

  You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady”: Stick to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects—are not safe either.


  So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can’t speak to one another, and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it’s not normal.


  Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized; we are more divided than we ever have been in history.


  We are less likely to compromise, which means we’re not listening to each other. And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are going to be based on what we already believe. Again, that means we’re not listening to each other.


  A conversation requires a balance between talking and listing, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance. Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly.


  According to the Pew Research, About a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face.


  There’s this great piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this:” I came to realize…”“I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.


  It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves. Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?”


  Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don’t like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I still have a great conversation with them. So I’d like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.

  现在,我的职业就是跟别人谈话。诺贝尔奖获得者、卡车司机、亿万富翁、幼儿园老师、州长、水管工。我和我喜欢的人交谈,也和我不喜欢的人交谈。我和在个人层面非常不同的人交谈。但我仍旧和他们有很好的交流。所以,我希望接下来的 10 分钟教你们如何谈话,以及如何倾听。

  Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, things of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you’re paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.


  So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap. There is no reason to learn how to show you’re paying attention, if you are in fact paying attention. Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life.


  So, I’m going to teach you how to interview people, and that’s actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.


  Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody. We’ve all had really great conversations. We’ve had them before. We know what it’s like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you’ve made a real connection or you’ve been perfectly understood. There is no reason why most of your interactions can’t be like that. So I have 10 basic rules. I’m going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you’ll already enjoy better conversations.

  学习开始一段交谈,不浪费时间,不感到无聊,以及最重要的是,不冒犯任何人。我们都曾有过很棒的交谈。我们曾有过,我们知道那是什么感觉,那种结束之后令你感到很享受,很受鼓舞的交谈,或者令你觉得你和别人建立了真实的连接,或者让你完全得到了他人的理解。没有理由说,你大部分人际互动不能成为那样,我有 10 条基本规则,我会一条条给你们解释,但说真的,如果你选择一条并且熟练掌握,你就已经可以享受更愉快的交谈了。

  Number one: Don't multitask.


  And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.


  Number two: Don't pontificate.


  If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog. Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring. If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If they’re liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to be like that.


  You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener.

  你需要在进入每一次交流时都假定自己可以学习到一些东西。著名的治疗师M.斯科特·派克说过,真正的倾听需要把自己放在一边。有时候,这意味着把你的个人观点放在一边。他说感受到这种接纳,说话的人会变得越来越不脆弱敏感,因而越来越有可能打开自己的内心世界, 呈现给倾听者。

  Again, assume that you have something to learn. Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.


  Number three: Use open-ended questions.


  In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.

  关于这一点,请参考记者采访的提问方式。以“谁”、“ 什么”、“ 何时”、“ 何地”、“ 为什么”或“如何”开始提问。

  If you put in a complicated question, you’re going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn’t." "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."

  如果你询问一个复杂的问题将会得到一个简单的回答。如果我问你:“你当时恐惧吗?”你会回应那句话中最有力的词,即“恐惧”,而答案将是 “是的”或者“不是”。“你当时气愤吗?”“是的,我当时气得很。”

  Let them describe it. They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?" Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.

  让对方去描述,对方才是了解情境的人。 试着这样问对方:“那是什么样子?”,“你感觉怎么样?”因为这样一来,对方可能需要停下来想一想,而你会得到更有意思的回答。

  Number four: Go with the flow.


  That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing. We're sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jack man in a coffee shop.


  Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know.


  Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.


  Number six: Don’t equate your experience with theirs.


  If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don’t need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you’ve suffered.


  Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."


  Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself.


  It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don't do that.


  Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.


  Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.


  Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen.


  I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you’re not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."

  我说不上来到底有多少重要人士都说过倾听可能是最重要的,第一重要的你可以提升的技能。 佛曰——我转述一下,“如果你嘴不停,你就学不到东西。”卡尔文·柯立芝曾说:“从没有人是因为听太多而被开除的。”

  One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.


  [A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject. -- My Sister] All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people.


  You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home. People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us, and she'd say, "Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer."

  我在一个名人外公身边长大, 我家里宾客络绎不绝。访客会前来和我的外祖父母交谈,而那些人离开后,我母亲会过来对我们说:“你们知道那是谁吗?她是美国小姐的亚军。他是萨克拉门托市长。她拿过普利策奖。他是俄罗斯芭蕾舞蹈家。”

  And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them. And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed. You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.


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